IDK?

I really don't know what I am supposed to be doing right now. I am working at a job that doesn't pay that great, trying to support a growing family, while also being away from the woman I love. All I want to do is be with her, and help her, but I am here in Cedar Falls, IA working at Best Buy, standing all day waiting for people to come in for me to tell them to talk to someone else in the department. The whole picture seems a little dumb and pointless, but there is other ways to look at it . I am given this opportunity to work for money to provide for my woman, and to create a foundation for myself.

I know all of this will pass in time, but the thing is, is that I don't have much time. Plus I have been feeling sick a lot lately, and that is just the enemy trying to weigh me down. I need to keep up confidence but that is hard to do when you money situation is super tight. I just have to pray for God to show me the way.

With God all things are possible.

right now I am feeling sadness. I don't know how I feel 100%, but I do know that I can identify some of these feelings as sad, alone, stuck, hopeless, and negative just to name a few. I am caring about what people think way to much and am caring about the outward appearance rather than what makes ME feel better. My health isn't up to par either. I mean, I am perfectly healthy, but my back is bad, I am getting heartburn much more than usual, my bowels aren't functioning as normal, and I am continuously sore and tired.
What I think happened is I spoiled myself in the sense of buying to many things that I want right away, and not being patient and waiting for the things I work for, instead I just get them and keep them and look for something else new and better. I feel like I am not good enough and that I am just on a ride. I need to get back into church and really need to get right with God. I feel like Im hiding things that dont need to be hidden, and scared of things i never need to be scared of.

Worries

The thing I hate most, is waking up' to a decent night sleep, worried and scared as all get out. Feeling like you have no body there, and that you have no direction in life. Scared that you aren't doing the right thing, and that what your doing now is a waste of time.
This is the work of the devil. He is trying to take control over my thoughts and send me down paths that I know are not true or right. He always attacks me at my weakest point which is usually in the morning or later at night when I am all alone. Sometimes I just don't know where I am going, and feel like I should know, but generally in life people never know where they are going. We just tend to forget about it, get by, and try and have fun while we are at it. It's just that sometime I don't know where God wants me placed, but that is not my worry. God will place me wherever He thinks best suits me!
I am just writing this to keep myself from having a panic attack, and to calm my senses and nerves down. It is hard to stand out in a world full of sins because so often are overcome by it.

On the Upside

Today was much better than the previous. Since I have something to look forward to today (work), my attitude has changed tremendously  It really makes a difference when you have a purpose and are active instead of sitting on the couch trying to figure out what you should do with your life. I think you should just DO life instead of trying to grasp what you should do. First, have a basic knowledge of what you like and want to do, make sure there is room to grow, then work your hardest at doing what you need to do to show your boss and team members that you are a head above the rest and that you go the extra mile, instead of wanting to leave work early and catch your late night show you HAVE TO WATCH! Tv is a waste of time anyways, and if you have a DVR then you have nothing to gripe about.

All I want to do is be happy, love God, love people, and be a great influence to the people around me. Happiness comes with all of these things since they are all relevant. So if I  keep it up, I can conquer anything! The possibilities are endless for anyone out there that isn't sure what you want to do with your life. I say get a basic idea and work off of it, and do what is in your limits. Don't overload yourself to a point where you are hating what you used to like, because then all the enjoyment will be gone! You have to start somewhere, so might as well start at a point where it isn't hard to complete the tasks set forth, and it is isn't entirely easy because we all need a challenge in life, cause what is the fun in life if there is no challenges!?

There is good things to come in everyones life, no matter what your circumstances are! I know my life hasn't been all peaches and gravy, but I know God's got my back, and he is always here when I need Him.

Where do I belong?

Well friends, I have come to a crossroads. I just moved to Arizona, and yes, the landscape is beautiful, and the weather is always sunny. I just am so lonely and depressed because I have no one to talk to or interact with. I try to get involved in the church I am going to, but the only drawback is they have around 10,000 members. It is so hard to get involved in a church when all the needs of serving have been pretty much all been met. The church says that everyone can be used to serve, but I think they are saying that just to be nice, and make everyone feel like they need to get involved. I know God has great plans for me, but I don't know where He is leading me yet. It seems that when ever I get to a new "home" or place, I feel very depressed and lonely after a month or so. I don't know if this feeling is normal or if I just belong somewhere else. I just really enjoy being surrounded by people that love me, and care about my well being while also being surrounded by a beautiful landscape that I can use and enjoy and also appreciate.

Right now in my life, I feel like a wandering child in a supermarket, looking for his mother. While content and satisfied that I am on my own, I still want to return to where I belong. The cost of living in Arizona is extremely greater than it is in the Midwest. Plus, I love the cold and snow, weird to say, but yes I love the extreme changes, since my whole life has been accustomed to rapid change.

Never-the-less, it seems that I can never stay put. I was just getting use to my roots as an Iowan, then got lead away from it, thinking that a better and brighter future lay ahead. I still would like to believe that, but when you don't have anyone to talk to, converse with, or even share your stories and emotions with, you tend to get really lonely and depressed like I am feeling right now. I am sure when I start work tomorrow everything will change, but as of lately, I have just been wanting to return to the place I am used to and accustomed too instead of trying to make up a new repertoire of friends, and discover new places to eat, drink, and chill.

If you have any advise for me, I am all ears. Please send prayers my way, because I am really struggling to find out who I am, and what I need to do in this life.

Where do I start, but who really cares cause no one reads this. . . but I can't stand myself. I am up, then I am down, somedays I am in the middle, and somedays I'm super stoked. How does this make sense? What I want the most is consistency  but my family is never consistant. They are always changing this, changing that. I just need consistency! With my life being as scattered as it is, I need things to be in order, to be set in place, not always constantly changing! *For instance* my family can not keep a car, instead my dad always thinks up some idea that ends up just stressing him out then of course it falls back on my mom, then on me (since I am living here at the moment). I just don't see the point in getting rid of a brand new car, when it serves a purpose in what you do in your daily life! 

Another thing is, is that my heart is always racing, which makes it very tough to hold in my emotions, whether they be negative or positive. It is driving me crazy, All I want to do is have normal goals, be healthy, and be mentally healthy, but when you have family around you that is always wanting to change or do something out of the ordinary, or on a whim, it just throughs me all off! I can't even explain the feeling... It is like my mind explodes then just shuts down and tunes everything out. I guess that is another thing I can ask God to fix too. With that said, I am gonna pray...

L8TR

Some days are mixed... kinda like the nuts

Somedays, there will be a little good and a lotta bad, or visa versa, but when you have a family that is not outwardly or inwardly happy it tends to effect how you react and how you interact around them. 
Naturally, I am a happy-go-lucky person, and almost always have a positive outlook on everything, but it seems when I spend too much time with my family it turns me into a really negative person, given out circumstances. I feel so bad for nearly everyone in our family, because of one huge mistake that happened 10 years ago this Easter, to my dad. I will post a story about this later on when I am feeling up to writing a page or two (because the story is a long story). Basically my dad is disabled from head to toe, and can't do much of anything, let alone do the bare minimum a human being can do. In turn, this affects my mom greatly as she has all the responsibility in the house and has to do nearly everything to keep my dad afloat. She often can't take the stress and just turns into a emotionless zombie, which in turn affects me cause now I have no mom, no dad, and 2 brothers. It's hard but you can sometimes catch them when they are in a good mood, but 87.34% they are usually not. There is always some problem going on, and if it's not one thing it's the other and it's always negative. It is easy to stray away from God when you have these kinds of issues going on, but i see it as an opportunity to do better and to be a better example for Christ, and show other people that there is hope, and that there is a way out of darkness, and into the light. Ya, it might sounds cliche, but it's damn true, and I know it because I have experienced a lot of negativity in my life, and God kicked me in the butt, and told me to get it together. It wasn't a voice that was crystal clear, calling out of the sky to me, but it was a uncomfortable urge and a calling to get my life back on the path it needed to be on. 

BUT! On the plus side of today I had an interview with Colombia Outerwear Apparel, and it went EXCELLENT! I got complimented on my handwriting, got told I Aced the interview, and also got told that they would be giving me a call in about 2 weeks to follow up with me. I am more than excited, because this is the launch of a new beginning for Samuel P. Meyers, and I am gonna show this company what I am all about. Dedication, motivation, and work ethic! So there you have it, today was a pretty awesome day on my part, and tomorrow will be even better because I said so!
Also, I went to this antique store and bought this dope Native American made ring with Opal and Obsidian inlayed in it. Beautiful

God, I believe that you have great plans for me in my journey called life, but could you please help out mom and dad a little bit. Yes, you have blessed them with a great home, and nice things, but it seems emotionally and physically they are suffering. I just ask that you could put a fire in my mothers heart, and heal my father enough to were he can't be sustainable.